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How do you forgive someone who hurt you deeply?
That question becomes difficult when the wound came through betrayal, abandonment, rejection, humiliation, abuse, or someone you trusted.
Perhaps part of you knows Jesus calls His followers to forgive.
Yet another part asks:
“How can I possibly release something that still hurts this much?”
Biblical forgiveness does not require you to pretend the evil never happened.
Neither does it mean calling abuse acceptable, restoring trust immediately, or allowing an unsafe person back into your life.
Instead, forgiveness begins by bringing the wound honestly before God and surrendering your right to personal vengeance.
Sometimes that happens decisively.
Other times, painful memories require you to reaffirm that decision repeatedly.
Therefore, learning how to forgive someone who hurt you is not primarily about manufacturing warm feelings.
It is about trusting God with justice, refusing to nurture revenge, and asking the Holy Spirit for grace to walk in obedience.
Why Is It So Hard to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You?
Years ago, I heard a story about a woman who had been deeply hurt by several people.
After becoming a Christian, she began hearing teaching about forgiveness.
She did not like it.
One Sunday, a preacher spoke about forgiving others, and she left frustrated.
The following Sunday, she attended another church.
Again, the sermon was about forgiveness.
Then she visited a small congregation she had never attended before.
The preacher stood up and spoke about—the same subject.
Forgiveness.
Eventually, she began wondering whether God was confronting something in her heart.
I cannot verify every detail of that story, so I would present it as a story I heard rather than proof of how God always communicates.
Still, it illustrates something real.
Sometimes we resist forgiveness because forgiveness feels unfair.
The wound is real.
The offender may never apologize.
Yet Christ still calls us to bring our response under His lordship.
How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You Begins With Jesus
John 15:5 says:
“Apart from me you can do nothing.”
In context, Jesus is teaching His disciples about abiding in Him and bearing spiritual fruit.
Forgiveness is one expression of that dependent Christian life.
Therefore, do not approach deep wounds merely by saying:
“I have to become strong enough to forgive.”
Instead, pray:
“Jesus, I do not have what I need in myself. Help me obey You without denying what happened.”
The Holy Spirit can produce love, patience, kindness, and self-control in places where human strength feels exhausted.
However, depending upon Christ does not mean waiting passively until forgiveness suddenly feels easy.
Grace enables obedience.
Consequently, we pray—and then begin taking faithful steps.
1. Tell God Honestly How You Were Hurt
Forgiveness does not begin with minimizing the wound.
Start with truth.
What happened?
What was taken from you?
How did it affect you?
What emotions remain?
Anger?
Fear?
Grief?
Shame?
Betrayal?
The Psalms show that God’s people can speak honestly about pain.
Therefore, you do not need to pretend before God.
If someone betrayed you, say so.
When abuse occurred, call it abuse.
If you are grieving something that can never be recovered, acknowledge the loss.
Biblical forgiveness is not built on:
“It wasn’t really that bad.”
Rather, it says:
“It was wrong, and I will bring that wrong before a righteous God.”
Truth gives forgiveness a solid foundation.
2. Learning How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You Requires Understanding Forgiveness
Forgiveness is often confused with several other things.
It is not necessarily:
forgetting,
trusting again immediately,
reconciling immediately,
removing consequences,
remaining in an unsafe relationship,
or pretending justice does not matter.
Romans 12:19 says:
“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God…”
That verse points toward the heart of forgiveness.
Instead of appointing yourself final judge and executioner, you entrust justice to God.
That does not mean earthly authorities should ignore crime.
Neither does it prevent healthy boundaries.
Rather, personal vengeance is surrendered.
For a fuller explanation of what forgiveness is and is not, read:
3. Choose Forgiveness Before Your Feelings Catch Up
You may not feel forgiving.
That does not necessarily mean you cannot begin forgiving.
Forgiveness often starts as an act of obedience:
“Lord, I release this person from my personal demand for revenge. I entrust justice to You.”
Feelings may change more slowly.
A memory may return tomorrow.
Suddenly, anger rises again.
Does that automatically mean your earlier forgiveness was fake?
No.
Sometimes the wound simply still hurts.
Therefore, forgiveness can involve reaffirming the same surrender:
“God, I gave this judgment to You. I refuse to take it back and feed revenge again.”
Over time, the emotional intensity may lessen.
Healing and forgiveness are related, but they are not identical processes.
How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You Without Excusing Evil
Jesus never asks you to rename evil as good.
Suppose someone abused you.
Forgiveness does not mean saying:
“It was okay.”
It was not.
Perhaps someone destroyed trust through adultery.
Forgiveness does not make betrayal insignificant.
Another person may have committed a crime.
Forgiving that person does not require you to prevent lawful consequences.
Therefore, Christian forgiveness can say two things at once:
“What you did was wrong.”
And:
“I refuse to make revenge the ruler of my heart.”
That combination protects both justice and grace.
4. Remember How Much You Have Been Forgiven
Christian forgiveness is rooted in the gospel.
Ephesians 4:32 says:
“Forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Paul does not minimize the suffering someone caused you.
Instead, he redirects your eyes toward Christ.
Every Christian lives by mercy.
We have sinned against a holy God.
Yet through Jesus, God offers forgiveness to repentant sinners.
Therefore, the gospel creates a new question:
“Since I live by mercy, how should mercy reshape the way I respond to those who wrong me?”
This does not make every wound equally easy.
Nevertheless, grace received becomes grace extended.
We forgive not because the offender deserves our mercy.
We forgive because vengeance no longer needs to control us.
Does God Forgive Me Only If I Forgive Others Perfectly?
Jesus’ warnings about unforgiveness are serious.
Matthew 6:14–15 and Mark 11:25 should never be brushed aside.
They show that a heart transformed by grace cannot comfortably build its identity around permanent, deliberate refusal to forgive.
However, we should not turn those passages into:
“Unless you achieve perfectly warm feelings toward every offender, God will cancel your salvation.”
That would create enormous fear in wounded believers.
Instead, Scripture calls us to examine the posture of the heart.
Are you struggling to forgive while asking God for help?
Or have you decided:
“I will never forgive, and I do not care what Jesus says”?
Those are very different spiritual conditions.
A believer may wrestle painfully with forgiveness while still moving toward obedience.
5. How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You While Keeping Boundaries
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not identical.
Reconciliation normally requires participation from both parties.
Trust also requires evidence of trustworthiness.
Therefore, forgiving someone does not necessarily mean allowing that person unrestricted access to your life again.
This is especially important in cases involving:
abuse,
violence,
sexual misconduct,
manipulation,
repeated betrayal,
or serious addiction.
You can forgive someone and still say:
“You cannot enter my home.”
Or:
“Communication must happen through another person.”
Perhaps legal protection is necessary.
Sometimes reconciliation may eventually become possible.
In other situations, wisdom requires permanent distance.
Forgiveness releases vengeance.
Boundaries protect what God has entrusted to you.
Forgiveness Does Not Require You to Stay in Abuse
This deserves its own statement.
First Corinthians 13:7 says love “bears all things,” but that verse should never be used to tell an abused spouse or child to remain available for further harm.
Christian love does not require enabling evil.
Likewise, forgiveness does not forbid reporting criminal behavior.
If abuse is occurring, safety matters.
Seek appropriate help from trusted people and relevant authorities.
Pastoral care can be valuable, but serious abuse may also require professional and legal intervention.
Therefore, never use:
“You must forgive”
as a tool to pressure a wounded person back into danger.
That is not biblical forgiveness.
6. Pray for the Person Who Hurt You
Jesus says:
“Pray for those who persecute you.” — Matthew 5:44
This can feel extremely difficult.
Start small.
Perhaps you cannot sincerely pray:
“Lord, bless every part of this person’s life.”
Begin with:
“God, I entrust this person to You. Bring truth, repentance, and whatever justice and mercy are right in Your sight.”
Prayer changes the direction of our hearts.
Instead of continually rehearsing revenge, we place the offender before God.
However, prayer does not require pretending reconciliation already exists.
You can pray from a distance.
Even when contact would be unwise, prayer remains possible.
How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You When the Person Never Apologizes
What if the offender never admits the wrong?
Can you still forgive?
Yes, in the sense that you can relinquish personal vengeance and entrust justice to God.
However, full reconciliation cannot be manufactured by one person.
Luke 17 connects repentance and relational forgiveness in a way that reminds us relationships involve moral reality.
Therefore, do not confuse:
your willingness to forgive
with
the restoration of the relationship.
You can keep your heart free from revenge while recognizing:
“This relationship cannot return to what it was because the other person remains unsafe or unrepentant.”
That is not necessarily bitterness.
It may be wisdom.
7. Give Healing Time Without Feeding Bitterness
Forgiveness can begin today.
Healing may take much longer.
A smell.
A location.
A date.
A sentence.
Suddenly, the memory returns.
You feel the pain again.
Do not automatically conclude:
“I never forgave.”
Instead, ask:
“What am I doing with the pain now?”
Are you feeding fantasies of revenge?
Or bringing the wound to God again?
Healing can involve grief, prayer, Christian community, counseling, time, and renewed truth.
Consequently, do not rush yourself or another wounded person with:
“You forgave, so you shouldn’t hurt anymore.”
Pain after forgiveness does not necessarily equal unforgiveness.
Forgiveness Is Not a Guaranteed Cure for Physical Illness
I would completely remove the original section suggesting that people may remain sick with cancer, deafness, or other illnesses mainly because they have not forgiven someone.
God can heal.
I believe Christians should pray for healing.
Moreover, bitterness can certainly affect emotional and relational health.
However, Scripture does not give us permission to tell a sick person:
“Perhaps you would be physically healed if you just forgave enough.”
That can place an enormous and unjust burden on suffering people.
Someone may forgive sincerely and remain sick.
Another person may still be working through bitterness and experience physical healing.
God remains sovereign.
Therefore, we encourage forgiveness because Jesus commands it and because bitterness is spiritually destructive—not because forgiveness functions as a guaranteed medical treatment.
How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You After Betrayal
Several years ago, I felt deeply betrayed by a friend.
I knew forgiveness was right.
Still, doing it felt difficult.
During that season, 1 Corinthians 13 challenged me to think about Christian love.
However, I also learned that forgiving someone did not mean pretending trust had never been broken.
That distinction mattered.
Eventually, I could release resentment while still admitting:
“Something real happened here.”
Perhaps you need the same freedom.
Do not make forgiveness dependent upon the offender rewriting history.
You can obey Christ even when another person refuses responsibility.
At the same time, allow trust to be rebuilt according to truth rather than pressure.
What If the Person Who Hurt You Is Dead?
You cannot reconcile directly with someone who has died.
Nevertheless, unresolved anger may remain.
Bring it honestly before God.
Name what happened.
Grieve what you lost.
Then tell God that you surrender the demand to personally settle the debt.
You may pray:
“Lord, this person cannot make things right now. I place what happened into Your hands. Judge rightly, heal what remains wounded in me, and keep bitterness from ruling my heart.”
Forgiveness in this situation is not a conversation with the dead.
It is a transaction of the heart before God.
What If You Still Feel Angry?
Anger alone is not proof that you have failed to forgive.
Ephesians 4:26 says:
“Be angry and do not sin.”
Some anger responds appropriately to injustice.
The question is what that anger becomes.
Does it move toward truth, justice, appropriate boundaries, and surrender to God?
Or toward hatred, revenge, obsession, and destruction?
Likewise, criticizing someone in your mind is not automatic proof that you must forgive that person.
Perhaps you simply disagree with a politician or pastor.
Therefore, avoid diagnosing every negative emotion as unforgiveness.
Instead, ask:
“Am I nurturing resentment or vengeance toward this person?”
That question goes deeper.
A Simple Prayer for Forgiving Someone Who Hurt You
You could pray something like:
“Father, You know exactly what happened and how deeply it hurt me. I do not call the wrong good. Nevertheless, I surrender my personal demand for revenge to You. You are the righteous Judge. Help me forgive as I have been forgiven in Christ. Give me wisdom about boundaries, healing, and any future relationship. Guard my heart from bitterness and lead me in truth. Amen.”
The prayer itself is not a formula.
However, it can help put into words what your heart is choosing.
How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You: 7 Steps to Remember
Remember the process:
1. Tell God honestly what happened.
Do not minimize the wound.
2. Understand what forgiveness is—and what it is not.
Forgiveness is not automatic trust or reconciliation.
3. Choose to release personal vengeance.
Entrust justice to God.
4. Remember the gospel.
Forgiven people learn to forgive.
5. Establish wise boundaries when necessary.
Forgiveness does not require continued access.
6. Pray for God’s work in the offender’s life.
You can pray without restoring unsafe contact.
7. Give healing time.
Do not confuse recurring pain with automatic failure to forgive.
Your Next Step
Think of one person whose name still produces deep resentment.
Do not rush.
Ask God:
“What am I still holding onto?”
Perhaps you need to forgive.
Maybe you also need stronger boundaries.
You might need to grieve.
In some cases, reconciliation may need a conversation.
For serious wounds, a mature pastor or counselor may help you process what happened safely.
Most importantly, bring the wound to Jesus.
Learning how to forgive someone who hurt you does not mean denying justice or denying pain. It means refusing to let another person’s sin become the permanent ruler of your heart and entrusting both the wound and the offender to God.
Continue Your Journey Toward Forgiveness
For what biblical forgiveness means:
For healing after someone hurts you:
For biblical reconciliation:
For repentance:
For surrendering to God:
For prayer:
I am a blogger, writer, pastor, Director of Zion Romania Bible School, husband to Olguta, a father and, most importantly, a child of God. I also completed my studies at the King’s University where I earned a B.A. in Theology with a concentration in Messianic Jewish Studies. I love Israel and I love the ‘Jewishness’ of the Bible.
[…] Whatever happened in your life, or whatever you did, there is hope for you if you put your trust in the perfect sacrifice of Jesus. Make sure you read my posts about forgiveness and where I share that no one can forgive (not even yourself) without the help of Jesus! […]