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Biblical reconciliation can begin with one difficult step: deciding not to wait any longer.
Years ago, I read a story about a man who went through his mother’s belongings after she died. His mother had been remarkably organized, so he was not surprised to discover decades of daily planners.
Most completed tasks had a line through them. Unfinished tasks were circled.
However, one entry kept appearing year after year.
October 22 — Call Hanna.
Hanna was her sister-in-law. At some point, the two women had argued and stopped speaking to each other. Apparently, the conflict had become so old that nobody could even remember exactly what had caused it.
Nevertheless, every October 22, the reminder appeared again.
Call Hanna.
Another year passed.
Still unfinished.
Then another.
Still unfinished.
Finally, after approximately 32 years, the entry had a line through it.
Unfortunately, reconciliation had come too late.
Underneath the entry were words that carried the weight of three lost decades:
Visited the cemetery and told Hanna I was sorry.
Imagine carrying an unresolved relationship for 32 years.
Perhaps both women intended to reconcile someday. Maybe each waited for the other to make the first move. Pride, pain, fear, or embarrassment may have kept them apart.
Whatever happened, eventually one of them ran out of time.
That story raises an uncomfortable question for every Christian:
Is there someone you need to make peace with while you still have the opportunity?
Jesus’ teaching about biblical reconciliation shows us that broken relationships cannot simply be ignored while we continue our religious lives as if nothing happened.
What Does Jesus Teach About Biblical Reconciliation?
In Matthew 5:23–24, Jesus gives His disciples a surprising instruction.
Imagine someone walking toward the altar carrying an offering.
This person has come to worship God.
Yet suddenly he remembers that another person has something against him.
What should he do?
Jesus says, in essence: Stop. Go. Be reconciled. Then return.
That order matters.
Jesus is not teaching that relationships replace worship. Nor is He saying that human relationships are ultimately more important than God.
Instead, Christ exposes something deeper:
Genuine worship cannot be separated from obedience, love, and our willingness to pursue peace with others.
We cannot sing about loving God on Sunday while deliberately nurturing hatred toward someone on Monday.
Likewise, we cannot use ministry, prayer, giving, or church attendance as substitutes for obedience in our relationships.
Therefore, biblical reconciliation is not a side issue in Christian discipleship.
It matters to God.
1. Biblical Reconciliation Matters to Our Worship
At first, Jesus’ instruction in Matthew 5 may sound extreme.
The worshiper is already at the altar. His offering is ready. Nevertheless, Jesus tells him to leave it there and deal with the broken relationship.
Why?
Because God cares not only about what we bring to Him but also about the condition of our hearts.
Certainly, worship matters.
Prayer matters.
Giving matters.
Serving matters.
Preaching matters.
However, religious activity cannot compensate for deliberate disobedience.
Samuel expressed a similar principle when confronting King Saul:
“To obey is better than sacrifice.” — 1 Samuel 15:22
Later, Mark 12:33 connects love for God and love for our neighbor with something greater than burnt offerings and sacrifices.
Consequently, Scripture does not allow us to separate vertical spirituality from horizontal relationships.
Our love for God should affect the way we treat people.
That does not mean every damaged relationship proves that our relationship with God is false. Relationships can become complicated, and sometimes another person refuses peace despite our sincere efforts.
Still, Scripture repeatedly calls believers to examine their hearts.
Are we harboring bitterness?
Are we refusing to forgive?
Have we hurt someone but refuse to acknowledge it?
Are we waiting for the other person to make the first move simply because of pride?
Those questions belong in our worship.
2. Biblical Reconciliation Requires Us to Take the First Step
For years, I assumed that if someone had something against me, that person was responsible for approaching me.
After all, if you have the problem, shouldn’t you come and tell me?
Jesus turns that reasoning upside down.
In Matthew 5, if I remember that my brother has something against me, I take action.
Interestingly, Matthew 18:15 presents the other side.
If my brother sins against me, Jesus again calls me to go.
Consider the pattern.
If someone has something against me—I go.
If I have something against someone—I go.
Either way, Jesus removes one of our favorite excuses:
“I am waiting for them to make the first move.”
Biblical reconciliation asks a different question:
What step of obedience can I take?
Perhaps you need to make a phone call.
Maybe you need to send a message and ask to meet.
In another situation, you may need to say four difficult words:
“I was wrong. Forgive me.”
Sometimes the first step will simply be listening without immediately defending yourself.
Whatever the situation, obedience begins when we stop concentrating exclusively on what the other person should do and ask what Christ is asking us to do.
Forgiveness and Reconciliation Are Not the Same Thing
At this point, we need an important distinction.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are closely related, but they are not identical.
Forgiveness concerns what happens in my heart before God. I refuse revenge, release personal vengeance, and entrust justice to the Lord.
Reconciliation, however, involves the restoration of a relationship.
Therefore, full reconciliation normally requires participation from both people.
You can pursue peace.
You can apologize.
You can forgive.
You can confess your part honestly.
Nevertheless, you cannot force another person to trust you, forgive you, repent, or restore a relationship.
Romans 12:18 gives us a helpful biblical balance:
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
Notice those words:
If possible.
So far as it depends on you.
God holds us responsible for our obedience, not for controlling another person’s response.
This distinction also matters when a relationship has involved serious manipulation, violence, abuse, or ongoing destructive behavior. Forgiveness does not automatically mean restoring the same level of access or trust.
In such circumstances, wisdom, appropriate boundaries, pastoral counsel, and sometimes professional or legal help may be necessary.
Therefore, pursuing biblical reconciliation does not mean pretending that evil never happened.
Instead, it means responding to conflict in a way that honors Christ.
What If Biblical Reconciliation Is Refused?
Sometimes you take the first step and the other person says no.
What then?
First, examine your own heart.
Did you genuinely apologize, or did you say something like, “I’m sorry you were offended”?
Did you acknowledge your actions without making excuses?
Next, give the other person appropriate time.
Some wounds do not disappear after one conversation. Although repentance can happen quickly, rebuilding trust may take much longer.
Furthermore, continue praying.
Ask the Holy Spirit to work in both hearts and to reveal anything in you that still needs repentance.
At the same time, resist the temptation to become bitter because reconciliation did not happen according to your timetable.
You cannot manufacture peace.
However, you can keep your heart open to God’s work.
Ultimately, your responsibility is to obey Christ as far as it depends on you.
How to Take the First Step Toward Biblical Reconciliation
Knowing that reconciliation matters is easier than actually walking into an uncomfortable conversation.
Therefore, here are several practical steps.
Ask the Holy Spirit to Search Your Heart
Before confronting someone else, invite God to examine you.
Ask:
“Lord, what is my responsibility in this conflict?”
Perhaps you were entirely wrong. Maybe both of you contributed to the problem. In some cases, the other person may have caused most of the damage.
Nevertheless, begin with your own heart.
Pray Before You Speak
Conflict easily produces defensive words.
Therefore, pray before the conversation.
Ask the Holy Spirit for humility, wisdom, self-control, truth, and love.
Moreover, do not pray merely that God will show the other person how wrong they are.
Ask Him to change you too.
Own Your Part Without Excuses
A sincere apology does not need a long defense.
Instead of saying:
“I’m sorry, but you also…”
try:
“What I did was wrong. I hurt you. Will you forgive me?”
Those words require humility.
Yet humility can open doors that pride keeps locked for decades.
Listen Before Defending Yourself
You may remember the conflict differently.
Even so, listen.
Understanding another person’s pain does not necessarily mean agreeing with every interpretation of what happened.
However, listening communicates love and respect.
Pursue Peace, Not Victory
The purpose of biblical reconciliation is not to win the argument.
It is not to prove that you were 51 percent right.
Instead, pursue truth, repentance, forgiveness, and peace.
After all, Jesus did not call us merely to win arguments.
He called us to follow Him.
Reconciliation Reflects the Gospel
Christians have an even deeper reason to pursue reconciliation.
We ourselves have been reconciled to God through Jesus Christ.
Sin separated us from God. We could not repair that relationship through religious effort, good works, or moral improvement.
Yet God took the initiative.
Jesus came to us.
Christ died for sinners and opened the way for reconciliation with God.
Therefore, when we take the first step toward someone else, we reflect something of the grace we ourselves have received.
That does not make reconciliation easy.
However, the gospel gives us a reason to pursue it.
Because Christ has shown us mercy, we can show mercy.
Because God has forgiven us, we can forgive.
Because Jesus humbled Himself, we can lay down our pride.
Furthermore, because the Holy Spirit lives within us, we do not have to attempt this in our own strength.
Do Not Wait 32 Years to Make Things Right
Now return to the planner from the beginning.
Year after year:
Call Hanna.
Circle.
Unfinished.
Another birthday.
Another circle.
Another year of silence.
Then, after approximately 32 years:
Visited the cemetery and told Hanna I was sorry.
Some opportunities do not remain open forever.
Therefore, if the Holy Spirit brings someone to your mind while you read this, do not immediately suppress the thought.
Pray about it.
Examine your heart.
Ask God what obedience looks like.
Perhaps reconciliation will happen quickly. On the other hand, the process may take time. The other person may even refuse your attempt.
Still, do what depends on you.
Take the first step.
You do not need to wait until you feel comfortable.
You do not need to wait until the other person moves first.
Above all, do not allow pride to turn today’s opportunity into tomorrow’s regret.
Biblical reconciliation does not mean that every broken relationship will return to exactly what it was before.
Rather, it means that followers of Jesus pursue peace, repentance, forgiveness, truth, and love as far as it depends on them.
So ask yourself one final question:
Is there someone you need to call before another year passes?
Take Your Next Step
If this article has brought a broken relationship to mind, begin by praying before you act. Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom, humility, courage, and the right words.
You can also explore more biblical teaching in the Christian Relationships section of Onisim.net.
If you are facing a difficult situation and would like someone to pray with you, you can send a prayer request.
I am a blogger, writer, pastor, Director of Zion Romania Bible School, husband to Olguta, a father and, most importantly, a child of God. I also completed my studies at the King’s University where I earned a B.A. in Theology with a concentration in Messianic Jewish Studies. I love Israel and I love the ‘Jewishness’ of the Bible.
This is very deep and powerful!
Amen! God, please give me the streinght to live like that!
Blessings! 🙂