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Why are there so many singles today? I want to address this question especially when talking about the Evangelical single people. And I will not talk now about the single people who are single because of a divorce or because of the death of their spouse. Not easy topics.
Why are there so many single people, Onisim?
Recently I spoke with a friend of mine on WhatsApp—he lives in Germany. And he read my previous blog posts about singleness and finding a wife. He told me he does not agree with my approach or view of singleness and marriage. The subtle implication of his words was that people are single because God does not make a way for them to get married. More or less he told me that there are countless single men and women who love the Lord and walk with Him but they still do not or cannot get married.
He asked me why are there so many single believers, Onisim? I tried to give him some smart answers but the brutal truth is that every single person’s life and case is different and should be treated as such. Therefore, I cannot give an answer like a magic key to the question why are there so many single people in the Church. I believe it is a mistake in thinking anyone has a complete answer but God.
So, in the last couple of weeks, I talked with some of my single friends and read many blog posts and articles about the topic.
Why are there so many single people? There are internal and external factors:
1. Some remain single by choice
But you already knew that. As I said in one of my posts, I struggled with the idea if God called me or not to remain single and not get married. It took a while to find the answer and you can read more about this here.
Right now I know at least 4-5 men who love the Lord and walk in a covenant relationship with Him and who chose to remain single for life. Some of them are in their mid-forties and they told me they feel fulfilled and happy in their singleness.
There is nothing wrong with them and there is nothing wrong or unbiblical with their decision (Matthew 19:12). If you are one of the people who made that choice, I want to tell you that God respects your decision and so do I! You are not a second-hand citizen in God’s Kingdom nor are you worth less because you chose to remain single!
Others are single because they just came out of a relationship and need time to heal and move on in life. And others chose to be single because they do not believe they are ready to enter a relationship and commit to another.
2. Some are single because of their fears
Fear is a common reason people do not get married. For some there is the fear of intimacy or sexual intimacy. Many times people have this fear because someone sexually abused them. In doing prayer ministry for quite a few years now, I believe hundreds of single people (men and women) are caught by this fear. Fear will always hinder you to become everything God wants you to become!
Another fear is the fear of competition. Especially if you are in your mid-thirties, forties or older. Folks of this age often believe they cannot and should not compete with the younger ones because they will lose. So they do not even try anymore to approach a woman they like and see others who pursue her. They fear to not look like a fool if they will not be chosen by that girl they like. They give up so easy showing a false humility. Fight for the girl you like! Dating is competitive—don’t be naïve!
Another common fear is the fear of committing to another. This fear appears mostly because they come from a dysfunctional or divorced family. So the fear of failure is powerful in their life.
3. More internal factors
Why are there so many single people? Many are single because they do not want to move out of their comfort zone. Recently I spoke with a man who told me he loves his life and by that he meant his comfort zone. He said he does not need the troubles a wife and children can bring. Or someone to make him change his habits and daily routine. Some just love their single life and do not want to trade it for marriage!
Some are hindered to get married because of their pickiness. This is especially true if a person they liked a lot rejected them. They don’t want to give a chance to another because nobody is good enough—not as good as the one who rejected them. If they would only give a chance to others, it might surprise them to find a person who would appreciate them for who they are. But repeatedly they convince themselves that the other people they might be interested in are not their type.
Others are single because they believe no one likes them or would want to marry them. Low self-esteem can be a huge barrier! Others are single because they are desperate to marry anyone and nobody wants such a person.
4. We also have the external factors
Statistically there are more women than men in our Churches. Apparently it is the same all over the world. Is there anything we can do about this? If you are a woman, make sure you read John Piper’s article here—it might be exactly what you need to hear. Needless to say, if you are a man you have fewer difficulties in finding a spouse, from this perspective. I mean—even the statistics are in your favor! Take advantage of this!
I know about some people who believe they do not have the right to get married because of their social status and lack of money. On the other hand there are countless people with a low social status and no money who still get married! Here the problem is more likely internal than external.
When it comes to relationships and dating it is hard not to view yourself as a victim. You know, people can be cruel and you can get hurt even though it is not always your fault. However, the truth is if you set godly boundaries and if you walk in the fear of the Lord and if you are surrounded by wise people to counsel you, then I’m sure you will be just fine!
Why are there so many single people and what can you do?
I do not have all the answers. Indeed, the above things I mentioned are probably the most common barriers in the lives of the single person. But as you can imagine there are many more reasons for which we have so many single people in our churches today. Leave a comment and share your thoughts with me!
If you struggle with one or more internal factors I mentioned in my post, then there is only one answer that will satisfy—Jesus. Friend, make sure you are honest about your fears or barriers and stop living in self-denial. And then seek help to overcome any and every one of the internal obstacles. Maybe you cannot change the external environment but by the help of the Holy Spirit and by the help of other mature believers you can change the way you see yourself and you can overcome your fears. And I know only one place you can go—at the cross of Jesus! Make sure you read my previous posts about the heart and prayer.
And if you are living with someone and if you are not married yet—put your life in order and get married. The Bible says it is a sin to live with another person without being married. And living in sin is dangerous for your soul!
Many today are single because of the inner vows they took in their past. Others are single because of the words spoken over them by their parents, friends or teachers in school. If you do not believe words have power, then read Pastor Robert Morris’s book- The Power of your words
I don’t know your life and what’s happening now in your heart but God does! I want to encourage you to spend time today in the Presence of God and fellowship with the Lord. And as you do this ask the Lord if there is any sin in your life you need to confess and repent of. Or is there is a wound Jesus needs to heal in your heart. Maybe you need to renounce your fears and embrace faith. Ask God to speak to you and pray as long as you have to—until you hear His small still voice! Maybe you already know the fears you battle that keep you from entering God’s best for your life. And maybe there is shame or guilt you need to confess and bring into the light.
Perhaps you need to talk to your Pastor
s about this or seek some counseling or prayer ministry. Make sure you seek to be free from any fear! Maybe it is another type of fear you battle, something I did not mention. But the answer is always the same—Jesus. Read my posts about God’s leading and how to walk in the light. Your fears are afraid of Jesus!
Do you agree?
Why are there so many single people in our Churches? Maybe because we never had so many dysfunctional families as we have today. Or because we never had so many broken young adults as we have today. You see, the answer is quite complex. But not too complex or not too complicated for the Lord to solve. On the other hand, the answer in your situation might be that you need to wait a little more time—God’s time differs from our time.
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